stuck in contraction.

I don’t like to think of forever in the moments when I’m sad for fear that I’ll always feel this way. I know I’m not perfect and that perfection is a construct but I’m beginning to think peace is too.

My sadness is not chaos, it’s silent. So quiet you can barely feel it’s presence. Not all contractions bear a scream to prove that it’s painful. Sometimes it’s the silence that is most concerning. No words, just expression or lack there of.

People say I worry too much or that I’m doubtful. That I don’t commit or that I openly choose to be lonely. And they don’t have to know me for long to feel confident in these notions. But these statements are so much easier to say than to confirm, of course I worry. That’s fair. And yes sometimes I doubt. But I promise you I try, my strength is just weaker than most.

I don’t know how to be strong. I don’t know how to not feel lonely. I don’t know what confidence feels like and I don’t know where commitment leads.

That’s a lie. I know what all these things are and how to achieve them, but I’m stuck in a contraction. They say breathe – take deep breaths – I inhale but I swallow. No relief, no release, forever trapped inside a bubble I don’t know how to pop.

There’s that word again; forever.

Pain is universal, I realize that, but it’s such a personal experience, so lonely, so sad. Snap a rubber band on my wrist to direct my attention elsewhere – it doesn’t work.

It’s a contraction. Center of attention. There’s no escape, only mercy.

And Lord have mercy. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring so tonight I’ll hang on. Take my vitamins, wash my face, and pray someone notices because I’m trying. Lord, they have no idea. I’m trying.

I’m just stuck in contraction and I don’t know how long it’ll be

until it’s over.