I’m surprised how quickly I became infatuated with a stranger I barely knew. And maybe it was because he was the first boy I saw that wasn’t you or if he was just someone so new; I cannot tell you specifically, I can only say how he made me feel.
And I know the sky is mainly blue but that day, to me, the sky was new too. It’s like the moment I met this boy, I saw a different light in the sky. And that same light appeared in his eyes the second he walked up to me. I don’t know what drew his attention, but he mentioned that he wanted to win my hand in a bowling round and at that moment, my stomach dropped to the ground; I had never been approached in this way by a boy I had never seen before. And regardless of who he was, I wanted more.
I was enthralled.
By him; his spontaneousness, his courage.
So I played him. Round after round because one round became many but I convinced myself I wasn’t ready for what this boy might’ve brought to the table. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready to disable my heart any more than I already had or I just didn’t want to become a nomad moving from one boy to the next.
But the following day, I received no text.
I received no call.
And I was okay with that being all, but it wasn’t. I got a text from him the day after last and so we continued.
One day, nothing; next day, something. It became a new way of keeping things at ease and not a tease of emotion; we weren’t leading each other on. We acted out as friends until we discovered where we could belong in the category of relationships.
And I became infatuated with the subtlety of it all. We didn’t have to text every day, we could withstand talking to have the luxury of thinking because thinking was more important.
It was weird. I loved more in his absence than I did in his presence.
And in that moment, he wasn’t just some other guy. He was everything. He was love, fear, curiosity, enthusiasm, and yet a total outcast to my world. But there we both were. And here we still are. Texting as if none of it matters. Making banal conversations our only conversations because to each other, they’re anything but routine. They became signs that we were on each other’s minds. And I think that’s what caused my infatuation. Being able to think about someone freely without having to give them my heart. Being able to have someone in mind without possessing them. Without them possessing me. Without having to co-own my heart and risk losing important parts of me I long to keep. My heart’s not ready for a new co-owner.
Because it used to be you.
And I wanted it to be you.
But now I’m trying so hard
for it not to be.
Because I love you, but I don’t want to anymore.