Gallimaufry

the things i really wanted to say, but didn’t.

When I looked into your eyes just now, I felt utterly vulnerable. I couldn’t remember the last time we had a one-on-one conversation or the last time we were in sync or even the last time you looked at me with the sole purpose of knowing all of me.

I couldn’t remember. No, I can’t remember.

But when I looked at you just now, I felt insecure. I know what it feels like to carry a heart that doesn’t belong to me. I know because it was your heart that didn’t belong to me, but I promise it wasn’t because I didn’t want it. Looking back now, it was because I didn’t know what I wanted. I remember setting it down and walking away allowing others to step all over you. Allowing it to fall into the wrong hands and watch you not know what to do and I tell you I regret that every single day. I don’t deserve you, and I never did, and I guess that’s just the price I pay.

But when I stared at you just now, I wanted to tell you I loved you, but that this time, “no, you don’t understand.” I wanted my lips to feel your lips, I wanted to feel the touch of your hand. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, for letting our window close. But I picked the pedals off roses, and the last ones kept telling me no.

So I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t. I tripped, “because that’s what all the cool kids are doing these days.” After all, you’re the one who’s leaving and I’m the one who stays.

And when I hugged you just now, I realized we will never be, because you will never see me the way you used to. And that’s okay because it makes it easier to say adieu.

Sometimes a love of your life fades away before you even get a chance to notice it.

But sometimes we grow out of shoes that once fit.

And once upon a time, that shoe once fit.

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