stuck in the clouds

I think about death more often than sometimes and when I say death I don’t mean dying but lying so still my whole body’s at ease; muscles relaxed I can’t feel my knees — my knees don’t exist anymore because I don’t exist anymore.

Like water,
I’m floating.

My heart is the sun on a cloudless day, uninterrupted
but my mind is water vapor; clouded by thoughts where death is a frenemy .
I lie still on the carpet of my bedroom — my body weighs heavily, sinking into the ground.

Like water,
I’m drowning.

when I once used to float.

God, please remind me how to swim because the truth is…
I think about death more often than sometimes but I do not want to die — I say I’m okay now when asked how I am because saying good back then was a lie.

I just want everything to stop for a moment so finally I can breathe. I want to lie awake in my bed; muscles so relaxed I can’t feel knees. I want my ears to fall silent, let my wild thoughts run free. I want them to run faster than these thoughts that are running after me.

I want them to die, not I — but the truth is I’m the one thinking these things, so who outlives the other?

God, I’m dying every moment I lie awake and when I say dying I don’t mean death but the parts of me that I have left are slipping away; they’re out of reach.

Like dancing with two left feet,
I tumble.

Like water,
I experience drought.

Now my heart is the sun on days where you can’t see it.
And as I lie here, pretending my carpet is grass and that my body is soil, I stare up at the ceiling that I make believe it’s the sky.

I lie there,
waiting for the moment when it rains.

Praying that it rains — God, you have to let it rain.
Because until then, I’m here

stuck in the clouds.

Waiting for the sun to shine once again.

Like water,


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